If I were to come clean, I would have to admit that I opened up the page to draft this post, and I stared at it for a solid 20 minutes trying to figure out what to type. I already had the topic decided, it being the struggle I face when trying to find topics to write about. I chose to write about this subject matter in part because of the irony of it, but also because it is a real problem I am facing. I made this blog and hoped that I would just get inspiration over time to write posts that brought me great recognition and helped me to improve as a writer. I don’t mean that I would instantly know what every post was gonna be about, but more so that anytime I felt like writing, I would just be able to write it out and it would be good. This is an illusion, and one that has since faded. I believe this notion stems from many different tangents, but mostly from the fact that things have usually come easy to me. This should not be taken to mean I think I am some chosen one, all I mean is that growing up in school, I always was able to write out assignments, or figure out math problems, or solve word questions. Most concepts I would grasp the first time a teacher discussed them, and essays flowed from my fingers to the keyboard like rain down the road: in a precise, but guided fashion. So not knowing what to write about now is something of a shock to me, to put it dramatically.
One reason counter to this, as in one that would align with why I can’t seem to figure out what to blog about, is that I have always been rather inept at self-motivation. For school growing up, sure, I could do what needed to be done, but I had someone telling I needed to, and in a way, rooting for me the whole time. Then I hit my sophomore year in high school and started an online high school for reasons I will go into in a different post, but the lesson I learned, and by learned I mean that it hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking me flat on my back, was that I lacked self-motivation, and I mean I really lacked it. I failed so many classes those last 3 years of high school, that I eventually just dropped out and got my G.E.D. because I couldn’t stand to be in high school longer than the typical four-year plan. So I did that, and although it hurt my pride at the time, it has definitely helped me become more aware of my capabilities and I would like to think my self-motivation has improved, but that is debatable.
A point that would help you to understand why I am ever so slightly dumbfounded as to why I can’t write freely as well as I would like, is that outside of schoolwork, free writing has never been my strong suit, but diary-style writing has been. Ever since I was young, I always tried to keep various notebooks that contained entries from my life at that time, and some were quite lengthy. None of them really stuck though, until recently, which I credit to the fact that I have had quite the itch to write, and also because of recent events, which inspired me to document my thoughts and the various happenings of my life. And so although the most recent diary I am keeping is one written on a small notebook, and each entry is contained to a page, still I can write in that notebook all too easily. And I attribute it to the fact that I already have the material, which is the various events that occur in my life, and so it is easy to write in since I am simply transcribing what has happened, and then adding my opinion or feelings about it. Free writing is much more difficult, but I am under that impression because I am not accustomed to going out and fetching my own material. However, that is what journalists do, so I had best get on my big boy pants and work on that aspect of my character. I hope that in time I will be able to just find or choose a topic and formulate a well-crafted post out of it, but until then I have to be patient and know my limits.