Friendship is such a weird concept. And I don’t mean in the sense of it being foreign to me, but rather that I have experienced it in so many different forms and with so many different people, and each relationship is different. The weird part is how it can take such an immense amount of time and effort to build up to having a strong and close friendship with someone, but then it can erode in a flash by simply doing nothing. And I know I am young, I won’t pretend to think I am an expert on friendship, but I have had enough varying ones to know that they are delicate things that require constant effort and dedication.
Looking back, I would like to say I knew which friendships would last and which wouldn’t, but that is just not true. I have friendships from elementary and middle school that I said would last forever, and now only a select few have potential of lasting. And it isn’t to say I don’t want those to last, I do, but I won’t lie: maintaining those friendships is challenging and it is unbelievably easier to just avoid or procrastinate working on them. However, that inaction is what leads to them decaying to a point where those friends just become characters in stories I tell to new friends. For those friends of mine that know I am referring to you: I am truly sorry, but I am doing my best to make amends.
More recently in my life I had a somewhat different event happen. I made friends when in truth I didn’t expect to at all, and the time I had with these friends was incredible. The reason I speak in the past tense is because as much as I don’t like to admit it, this friend group of mine is drifting apart from each other. There are still some of us that are close, but we aren’t what we used to be. And in typing this, it does sting to type out, but it is the reality of the matter, there is no use in sugar-coating it. I would like to say that I have been trying to keep the group together, but frankly I could do more, and also it requires effort on their parts too, so in short: we could all be a little better about staying close. And a lot of the reason our group has diverged is simply because of life happening: some move away, some find other friends, others just become busier with their activities, and I don’t mean to say any of this is wrong. We are all growing as people, and change is meant to happen, I have made peace with that. That doesn’t change the fact that our group dynamic has changed. We all stopped seeing each other on a regular basis and so our contact decreased dramatically. But for those in this group that are reading this, know that I will forever consider you a friend of mine, and as before, know I am doing my best to improve our relationships.
After all this rambling, the takeaway from this post is that I won’t pretend to say I have friendships that are untouchable by the sands of time, but rather I know that there are ones I want to keep and I will do everything in my power to work on them and fix them. Sadly, that isn’t always possible, and that is what haunts me. That doesn’t mean I won’t try though because if I don’t try then that means I have given up, and I have done enough giving up in my life. I am sick of it, and I refuse to have any more moments where I look back on something, and say “Maybe if I tried a little harder or did just a little more,” because all that does is create a monster in the back of my mind that tells me it is all my fault that it went wrong. I know some things in life will be my fault, but I won’t let the people closest to me disappear from my life just because I didn’t try hard enough. I owe them that much, and quite frankly, I owe myself that much.